10 EASY STEPS TO BECOMING A CLEAN EATING GURU!

Making your way in the fitness and nutrition industry is a tough task, especially if you’re a stickler for science and insist on giving evidence-based advice.

Luckily for you, you don’t have to. Here is my 10-step guide to becoming a clean eating guru, which if you’re lucky, may culminate in a book deal, a TV deal or even a chain of restaurants!

NOTE: This article is written with my tongue placed firmly in my cheek and I urge you not to follow this advice. However, if you do, unfortunately you’ll probably make a shed load more money than your average professor who dedicates their life to advancing our knowledge of nutrition!

Step 1: HAVE A SOB STORY

Now this isn’t a pre-requisite but it sure helps. Choose some sort of ailment to suffer from, this can range from the rather mild such as headaches or stomach cramps to the more extreme, such as a life limiting illness. You’re probably better off opting for the more severe here as this will add weight to your future claims (and profits).

Not keen on putting a personal slant on your story? No problem, simply claim that we are all collectively in the grips of an epidemic, or even better a pandemic!

Step 2: CHOOSE A GOODY OR BADDY

You’ve got your ailment, now you must choose option A or B: A, a SUPER BAD foodstuff for which you can pin all the blame on for causing your ailment. Or B, a SUPER GOOD foodstuff which will defeat your evil ailment.

You can opt for a combination of both A and B but I don’t advise this because this could all get a little too nuanced for your consumers. Remember you want to start a social media movement here and there isn’t space for areas of grey, it’s strictly black or white.

Step 3: SHOW A COMPLETE DISREGARD FOR THE SCIENCE

This is probably the most important of all the steps. You must show a complete disregard for what the overwhelming scientific consensus is telling you. You must disregard the experts almost as much as TOWIE star Gemma Collins disregards the need to use manners…well almost!

However, if you want to have the slightest whiff of credibility you can cherry pick the odd study which kind of substantiates your claims!

Step 4: FAUX SCEPTICISM

That’s right you must claim to be a sceptic. Whatever you opted for, option A or B you must at least claim to have been initially very sceptical about it. This is a must because it builds a rapport with your customers. Initially, when they hear about the claims you’ll be making, they will probably be very sceptical, but if you claim that you were as well way back in the beginning, it builds a certain affinity with them.

Step 5: AMAZING RESULTS

If you go for option A, you must claim that abstaining from eating that super bad food stuff has left you feeling AM-AZ-ING. Similarly, if you prefer option B you must also claim to feel AM-AZ-ING but not because you’ve cut something out of your diet but because you’ve added in some food item with mythical super powers!

Step 6: DISCOUNT OTHER (MORE RATIONAL) REASONS WHY YOU FEEL AMAZING

That’s right you must discount other reasons as to why you’re feeling better. Often when people begin to alter their diet they make other lifestyle changes too such as: they exercise more, sleep better, eat more appropriate portion sizes, drink more water etc. etc. and it’s the cumulative effects of these which combine to make someone feel better.

But you can’t let this possibility enter your thoughts. Don’t even entertain it for the most fleeting of moments. You must believe, or at least claim to believe that this improved feeling of self-worth is brought about purely because of the dietary changes you’ve made. Remember, soon you’ve got a restaurant to open and after all you do want to send your kids to private school, don’t you?

Step 7: POST YOUR STORY ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Join Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat or whatever and endlessly post about your ‘journey’. It’s a tough task here but you must post more pics of your grub, than the average parent posts of their new-born. This will be extraordinarily tough but you can do it. Oh, and always be sure to include the hashtags #cleaneating or #eatingclean

Step 8: KEEP POSTING ON SOCIAL MEDIA

That’s right post, post and post some more, oh and when you think you’ve posted too much, just like Postman Pat, keep posting. For particular kudos, you could also begin including hashtags #traindirty, #vegan or #glutenfree (but these are optional).

Step 9: INFORM PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE NO QUALIFICATIONS WHATSOEVER IN SCIENCE OR NUTRITION

You must come clean at this point and inform your social media followers that you have no qualifications in the field you are incessantly talking about. But don’t worry, this won’t affect your chances of getting that future book deal whatsoever, after all social media ‘likes’ trump science any day of the week!

But as a slight word of warning don’t bang on about your lack of qualifications too much, we wouldn’t want any of your more free-thinking followers thinking you’re a complete fraud and charlatan would we!

Step 10: BE ATTRACTIVE

This isn’t written in stone anywhere (unlike Ed Milliband’s election pledges) but I must stress that the more attractive you are the more likely you are to achieve clean eating guru status.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at the gurus who’ve had books published, to say they’re easy on the eye is an understatement! Many of them look like they’ve just stepped off a catwalk.

Still, as a former model myself (mainly of gloves and balaclavas) there’s hope for me yet!

IN CONCLUSION…

If I need the electrics altered in my house I seek the expertise of an electrician not a window cleaner. Similarly, if you’re having trouble altering your health seek the expertise of just that, an expert in the form of a doctor or dietician not someone who is more interested in collecting likes and followers rather than collecting letters after their name.

Thanks for reading,

Matt

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